Post by kidneythief on Oct 17, 2007 0:08:06 GMT -5
So... Somehow I must have missed the announcement on the news but apparently everyone but me knew that it was a holiday. It must have been. I can find no other explanation for what I encountered today except that everyone gave their brains a day off in honor of National Stupidity Day. Within three and a half minutes of leaving my foster parents place I experienced so many stupid people that I'm positive I must have broken a world record for something. The first stupid person I was exposed to was the guy in front of me in the right hand lane on El Camino in Sunnyvale. He came to an abrupt and screeching halt as soon as the light turned green to let a mid-1970's Lincoln Continental, filled with what could only be pimps, into traffic from a gas station. The pimp driving the Lincoln qualified for my second stupid person encounter, as he tried to maneuver his cattle car of an automobile into the right hand lane, an operation so intricate, it took him so long that the f**king light turned red, and then, of course, he promptly ran it. So anyway, I finally pulled into Fed-Ex, my destination, to mail some crap I sold on E-Bay, well there was a whole glopping pile of stupidity waiting for me there as well. A split microsecond before I had checked the last box on the address slip and was to take the final step I needed to be served, an operative of stupidity suddenly popped up in front of me and captured my rightful place in line. So, this thingy is about to open a new door to idiocy, and I'm prepared. She even had a stupid face.The Stupidity Operative walked up to the counter and said to the Fed-Ex girl (and I quote EXACTLY):
"I sent a package from here and I was wondering if you knew where it was"
To which the Fed-Ex Girl replied, "What was the date you sent it?"
Stupidity Operative:"I'm not real Sure."
Fed-Ex Girl:"Do you have the tracking slip?"
SO:"Yes, whats that?"
FEG:"The slip you filled out that has the tracking number on it."
SO:"Oh, no, then I guess not."
FEG:"Did you send it last week or the week before?"
SO:"Yes. Maybe."
FEG:"Which week?"
SO:"The week before. Maybe."
FEG:''What day of the week was it?"
SO:I can't tell, do you have a calendar?"
(So at this point in the scene there's a new character, shifting her weight from foot to foot, sighing and rolling her eyes, whispers comments very loudly mainly because, alarmingly, she has lost her fear of being a pregnant dog in public.)
Kayla Rae:"Does anyone here have a sharp pencil? Because I thought that jabbing it into my right eye has got to be less painful than watching Twenty Questions with the girl has a girl thingy for a brain."
FEG:"I don't have a calendar here, I'm sorry"
SO:"Okay, it was a weekday."
FEG:"Do you remember who helped you?"
SO:"You did! Do you remember what day it was?"
Kayla Rae: (to no one in particular) "Hi, I mailed a package here in 1989, or maybe it was 1986, well, I think it was when Reagan was still president, and I just wanted to check on it. You remember me right?? What was I wearing?"
FEG:"Well, the computer can't start locating anything more than seven days old without a tracking number. I'm sorry."
SO:"Well, how am I supposed to find the package?"
FEG:" Locating your tracking slip would be a good start."
SO:"I can't believe you wont help me. I thought UPS people were nice! I thought UPS people HELPED people!" (I'm at Fed-Ex, mind you)
The dumb sthingy then marches off in a huff and proceeds to the parking lot, where her boyfriend and their nasty baby, wearing only a diaper, are waiting for her in a corroding, formerly red Ford Escort with gray primer fenders and a bumper attatched with duct tape. It is there where she will then proceed to have a massive cow.
Now, I wish that I could say that this was the end of my Stupidity Day festivities but it's not, my day has just begun. I did learn however, that if I ever decided to run for public office, I only needed one platform to win: Send all stupid people to stupid jail. Frankly, I can't fathom deriving any more joy than being able to step up to the girl thingy brained girl flash my badge and turn on my handheld siren (you really need both, because stupid wont understand you any other way, they're kinesthetic.) "Ma'am, please come with me. You're under arrest for your flagrant display of extreme stupidity. Kiss your dirty baby goodbye. You wont see her again until she's sharing a cell with you. And that's a stupid car so I'm impounding it."
That'd be tits.
"I sent a package from here and I was wondering if you knew where it was"
To which the Fed-Ex Girl replied, "What was the date you sent it?"
Stupidity Operative:"I'm not real Sure."
Fed-Ex Girl:"Do you have the tracking slip?"
SO:"Yes, whats that?"
FEG:"The slip you filled out that has the tracking number on it."
SO:"Oh, no, then I guess not."
FEG:"Did you send it last week or the week before?"
SO:"Yes. Maybe."
FEG:"Which week?"
SO:"The week before. Maybe."
FEG:''What day of the week was it?"
SO:I can't tell, do you have a calendar?"
(So at this point in the scene there's a new character, shifting her weight from foot to foot, sighing and rolling her eyes, whispers comments very loudly mainly because, alarmingly, she has lost her fear of being a pregnant dog in public.)
Kayla Rae:"Does anyone here have a sharp pencil? Because I thought that jabbing it into my right eye has got to be less painful than watching Twenty Questions with the girl has a girl thingy for a brain."
FEG:"I don't have a calendar here, I'm sorry"
SO:"Okay, it was a weekday."
FEG:"Do you remember who helped you?"
SO:"You did! Do you remember what day it was?"
Kayla Rae: (to no one in particular) "Hi, I mailed a package here in 1989, or maybe it was 1986, well, I think it was when Reagan was still president, and I just wanted to check on it. You remember me right?? What was I wearing?"
FEG:"Well, the computer can't start locating anything more than seven days old without a tracking number. I'm sorry."
SO:"Well, how am I supposed to find the package?"
FEG:" Locating your tracking slip would be a good start."
SO:"I can't believe you wont help me. I thought UPS people were nice! I thought UPS people HELPED people!" (I'm at Fed-Ex, mind you)
The dumb sthingy then marches off in a huff and proceeds to the parking lot, where her boyfriend and their nasty baby, wearing only a diaper, are waiting for her in a corroding, formerly red Ford Escort with gray primer fenders and a bumper attatched with duct tape. It is there where she will then proceed to have a massive cow.
Now, I wish that I could say that this was the end of my Stupidity Day festivities but it's not, my day has just begun. I did learn however, that if I ever decided to run for public office, I only needed one platform to win: Send all stupid people to stupid jail. Frankly, I can't fathom deriving any more joy than being able to step up to the girl thingy brained girl flash my badge and turn on my handheld siren (you really need both, because stupid wont understand you any other way, they're kinesthetic.) "Ma'am, please come with me. You're under arrest for your flagrant display of extreme stupidity. Kiss your dirty baby goodbye. You wont see her again until she's sharing a cell with you. And that's a stupid car so I'm impounding it."
That'd be tits.
