Family Reunion

[Avelon]

I'm going to Arkansas, to be eaten by mosquitos the size of small ponies and most likely lose my pants - again - wakeboarding in the lake near my rich cousin's million dollar summer home.

I'll be back sometime late on Sunday, and I may or may not have a funny story to tell.

While there, I will be doing the following-
- Wishing I was not there.
- Wishing I had the privacy to masturbate.
- Wishing I had the psychological motivation to do the aforementioned activity.
- Wishing that my female cousins weren't so ugly.
- Possibly drawing characters for my up and coming webcomic.
- Looking forward to coming home.
- Wishing I didn't have to take a drug test first thing next week so I could smoke some pot.
- Finding that God has not gifted me with a previously unknown attractive, immoral, intelligent female third cousin this year, either.
- Wishing I hadn't made the cousin jokes on JL because the users with lesser intelligence will think I'm being serious.
- Not buying any of you souveniers.

That is all.

[Jest]

No souveniers? That's it! Your off my cool people list. Fred Estaire takes your place.

Why are you taking a drug test for a family reunion?

[Zade]

Not for the reunion. For a job.

[Monkeyman]

Well.....HAVE FUN!!

I don't know what else to say to this thread but what I already said.................<That shows thought or the lack of thought.

[Jest]

I'll sell you my urine. I don't have any ilness' or anything. just send the large amunt of money (any size of money as long as it's a large amount of money) and I'll send some urine in return.

[Avelon]

That's all well and good, Jest, but there's no microwave available a short distance from the place, or I'd just have saved a bit of piss from before the reunion and used that. They don't accept cold urine, unfortunately.

I do indeed have a story or two from the reunion, but that'll have to wait until I'm not worn out and stuff.

[ChaosWolf]

Last family reunion I attended I got to see nearly all of my relatives drunk and or stoned. Then chased a buch of kids into the pitch black woods surounding the house after lettling them play the RE remake for the cube.
Good times, good times.

[Monkeyman]

CHAOS!!! Where the f**k did you come from?

[ChaosWolf]

Well got tired of Ave trying to kill me with crappy anime so I decided to give in and post here again.

[Monkeyman]

Well atlest something worked.

[Avelon]

Mmkay, a story, as I said I might have and then forgot to post about.

The Greatest Wipeout, Ever.

Arkansas is a land of much water. Not surprisingly, being a subtropical climate and all, it has some pretty massive lakes. My cousin Earnest Heidelberger owns a house that's worth about a million dollars near one of those huge lakes.

He also has a really f**king awesome boat.

Last year, some of you may recall me recounting stories of wakeboarding. Yeah, you thingys. I know you're already laughing. You just shut up and let me tell this story for those of us who weren't around back then.

Anyway, we didn't actually have a proper wakeboard, as those are prohibited on this lake; instead, we had a giant tube. Imagine, if you will, an inner tube. It is in the shape of a normal, glazed doughnut. Now make that a bovarian cream filled doughnut instead. That's the shape of the tube we were using.

Everyone took turns on the d**ned thing but me. I didn't want to go at first, but after being told that I had to by literally everyone on the boat, I decided, "What the hell." What the hell indeed, I would later muse to myself. What the hell indeed.

One of my OTHER cousins happened to have a video recorder with her, so this went on film. I got on the tube and pushed off. When I was settled properly and the rope had most of the slack out of it, I gave the thumbs up.

Now, I have to pause here to note that Travis Mann (third cousin) was the one watching for my signals (ready, speed up, slow down, stop). I'll be sure that the tables are turned next year. In case you aren't a fan of country music (and you are not), Travis is a professional musician. He's also a d**ned dirty prankster.

He yelled to my uncle (who was driving the boat) after I gave my signal, "Ian just flipped you off!"
Later reports were that my uncle said, "Oh, it's ON now!"

He cranked that throttle back all the way. This boat, unladen, goes 70MPH across the water. Thankfully for me, it WAS laden, so it was only doing, I don't know...55-60MPH. ACROSS THE WATER.

Imagine the fastest you've ever gone on a bicycle. Now make the road in front of you twist and turn, and you have minimal control of the bike. Oh, and you're going twice as fast as you're imagining.

When following in a boat's wake, there are 3 "waves". The central wave is actually two waves that are hitting one another, so it just looks like a ribbon of rapids (you know how river rapids look, right? Just a 6-inch wide version of that). To either side of that, you have a little valley that's a few inches deep - but the waves are also a few inches tall, so the difference between them is about half a foot at a normal, sane speed, and nearly a foot when you're going as fast as the boat was going this time. The other two waves are moving away from the middle.

Now then, if the boat is going straight forward, the tube will be straight behind it. If the boat turns sharply to the right, the tube will swing sharply around to the left - if you turn as sharply as you can, then you'll end up to the left of the boat when it levels out again.

You also swing around at about 80 MPH.

Needless to say, the boat turned sharply to the right. I passed over the waves of the wake, sustained turbulence, and kept myself on top of the tube. The boat levelled out and I started to be pulled back around toward the center. Just as I got behind the boat (still far to its left), my uncle took a sharp left.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

When I went over the wake, I got air time. I completely vaulted the center and landed in the right-hand valley. Unfortunately, I had my weight centered on the tube instead of on the left (I had just been in the air, after all), so I didn't rise up on the right-hand wave like I normally would have.

Read carefully, because I'm only going to type this once...

It happened in under a second, but I had time to get several thoughts and at least half of a reaction out before it was over with. I knew I had to lean left to stay on the tube, and I tried doing so, but wasn't fast enough. The right side of the tube went INTO the wave, i.e. underwater, and since I was going to the right...it flipped. My leg caught in the water as well (again, underwater), and because I was going forward and to the right, I was thrown off the tube spinning. I hit the water, bounced, and then went under.

And that is the story of the greatest wipeout, ever.

[Monkeyman]

That sounds like you had a nutsty time in the water. That cosin of yours sounds like a thingy to me, but thats just my opinion since I don't really know him.

[Avelon]

Actually, I had a great time and he's a really cool guy.

[jora]

This is the part when I say....all of you who want a copy of that tape, just let me know. =D

[Avelon]

OH MY GOD! You're AMANDA?!

I've been going out with my cousin! AHHHHHHH!